I have been apprised of a certain circulating rumor concerning the whereabouts of one pair of Italian leather heels. I understand that you claim aforementioned heels as yours. Between 9 AM and 9:30 AM on the morning of December 11th, 2006, you apparently searched the house for your missing shoes until they were located near my crate in a place that you would never think to look.
Said heels were in impeccable condition with no evidence of chewing, slobber, teeth marking, or other damage. If your suspicions are true, these shoes did indeed travel up a minimum of two flights of stairs. As I am sure you are aware, accidents sometimes happen in transporting objects up and down stairs via the mouth. Although I am unable to corroborate, confirm, or deny your suspicions, I thought it my civic duty to tell you how truly unfortunate it would be if another, more valuable, possession of yours (such as a laptop) were to meet its untimely demise in such a blatant act of theft.
Consider yourself warned.
May it also be said that these incidents often occur when neglect is incurred by furry family members due to excessive human workload causing disruption of playtime and cuddletime. Surely the responsible party was only seeking to delay your departure to spend more time with you. Actually, you should be flattered.
I thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Yours in Innocence,
PS Surely you are not truly considering bestowing a lump of coal for Christmas upon said responsible party.
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